I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
