Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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