i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
