look no pants
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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