batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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