Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
being pregnant is like rehab
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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