so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
