Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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