if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
