3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this beer tastes like vomit already
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
