hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
