We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
