Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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