It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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