I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
