I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
