saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
