my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
