so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
