I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
