Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
