I hope my margaritas pass through security.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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