so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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