You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
