Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
