Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
