i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How naked do you want me to be?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
