I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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