Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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