i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
