woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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