Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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