why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
