I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
