Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
