I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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