its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
