He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
