Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
