the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
