The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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