Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
