Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You smell like stripper and shame
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Im part way to drunk.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
