some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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