why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
