Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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