you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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