as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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