i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Randomize
