i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
