she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize