i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
