There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
