upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
