when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
