Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
