Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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