I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
