Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
