Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
